Balancing the Yearning for Casual Encounters Whilst Seeking a Committed Partnership
Being a gay man in my late 40s, I’ve spent numerous, mostly pleasurable years engaging in casual sex with other men from my teenage years. During my fourth decade, I was in a committed partnership which continued for four years, however I never felt completely content, in that I didn't experience love or sexually nourished. Truthfully, my constant desire has been for casual sex. Whenever I begin to date any man, when the initial excitement fades, I always get the urge to be intimate with new partners again.
Reflecting on the Possibility of Monogamy
Currently, I'm contemplating if I’ll ever be able to sustain a faithful partnership. I'm aware that many gay men engage in non-monogamous arrangements, but when I’ve witnessed them, they have seemed like hard work, often resulting in lots of pain and jealousy for everyone involved. To a large extent, I desire a partner to love me while allowing me to remain sexually free, but I dread to imagine the emotional drain this would cause. Should I just keep having spontaneous encounters and acknowledge that a long-term relationship is not possible? I’m feeling a bit lost.
Every person’s intimate path varies. Try not to think of your relationship needs or your capacity to tolerate different types of intimate connections in a finite way. Your needs in your current state could easily shift in the future; at a certain time you might become more decisive and discover greater understanding and a suitable route … or not. At some point you might meet someone offering a life-changing chance to you by reflecting your desires completely … and at another point you may choose that casual connections are best for you. Fretting over what lies ahead and playing endless speculation is simply anxiety-based and squandering of your energy. Aim to stay in the moment in your relationships, and recognize the value of each person with whom you might have a sexual connection. When and if you are ever ready to strengthen genuine closeness with one partner, it will be clear.
- The psychotherapist practices as a US-based therapy professional focusing on addressing intimacy issues.